'This can't happen to another family'

A family from Waterford has spoken out about how their grief, following the death of their beloved brother in tragic circumstances, was compounded by the fact that initially they were not informed of his death, the shocking manner in which a priest walked off without saying the rosary over their brother’s body during the removal service and hurtful words he said in the homily during the funeral itself.

The funeral of James (Jamie) Weldon took place in the Church of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Butlerstown, in Waterford, on Sunday, September 17.

However, the manner in which the removal took place, and certain aspects of the funeral itself, caused great upset to the family, leaving them both grief-stricken and dumbfounded.

With the parish priest away on holidays, a stand-in priest, Fr Raphael Ebune, was asked to perform the service. Fr Ebune caused great upset for the family when he seemed to refuse to offer the Rosary, simply abandoning the service, when James’ remains were conveyed to the parish church for the removal the evening before the funeral took place. He walked away after receiving the body at the church, with a sacristan instead voluntarily stepping in.

The priest’s actions compounded an intense period of stress for the family, which began on August 25, when the Weldon’s found out James had passed away tragically at his home in Dublin, after they sought a welfare check. They did not realise at the time that James’ remains had lain in Dublin City Morgue since August 19, a full week previously.

It’s believed James passed away on Saturday, August 19, although the family were told he may have been deceased for a week or two prior to that. They only discovered he had died on August 25, after asking gardaí to carry out a welfare check as they hadn’t heard from him for some time.

James was well-known around Waterford where he worked for a time at Mount Congreve House and Gardens. He had resided in Dublin for around 30 years, although he never forgot his roots in Waterford.

Speaking to the Waterford News & Star, his sisters Frances, Monica and Fiona, and brothers Billy and Sean, outlined the horrific series of events that occurred over the last few weeks, which compounded the sense of loss and grief they experienced after finding out their brother had passed away.

Fiona said that having not heard from James for some time – and given that nobody heard from him despite a family birthday occurring – the family decided to ask for the welfare check on August 25.

“His friends had messaged and called but his phone was ringing at first and then seemed to be turned off,” said Fiona. When the gardaí carried out the welfare check it was discovered that James had passed away, that his body had already been discovered and had been transferred to Dublin City Morgue on August 19.

“The gardaí were able to tell us within about 20 minutes or so that he was deceased,” said Frances. The family were very appreciative of the manner with which the gardaí carried out their duties. However, they expressed concern over the fact that no attempt was made to contact them in the immediate wake of James’ passing, whose remains had lain in Dublin City morgue since August 19.

“Jamie was found in his apartment and surely they would have been able to find out who his family was, relatively easily,” said Sean.

More delays That wasn’t the end of their ordeal either, as while they were devastated at not being told their brother had died, they then found out that they wouldn’t be able to view his remains and that a DNA sample would be required to formally identify him. That was something that confused the family initially, however, they believe the DNA sample was required to ensure that the remains were returned to the correct family.

“They didn’t explain why but we were told it would possibly take up to five weeks after the DNA sample was provided before we could get him home and we were distraught by that,” said Fiona.

“We were in shock at the time and just thought this was the process and everyone has to go through it,” said Fiona.

The DNA sample was taken on August 29, but the family didn’t get to bring their brother’s remains home until September 15.

“He was only found on August 19, but they’re not sure if he had actually passed away a week or two before that and we only got to bring him home on September 15,” said Fiona.

“It was a horrendous situation and something no family should have to go through.” The family expressed concern over the lack of transparency in how the process of receiving the remains of a loved one takes place, under such circumstances. They feel that’s something that needs to be addressed.

“We had to chase everything to get answers and the agony of having to wait that length of time to get him home is something we don’t want any family to go through,” said Fiona.

“The fact they can tell you he has passed away and then you still have to wait; it’s like time stops,” she added. “It’s not right and something should be done to make sure that doesn’t happen.” The family feel the turnaround time between when a body is identified to when it’s released to the bereaved family needs to be cut down dramatically, especially with regard to DNA sample processing.

“The turnaround times are unacceptable and no family should be told your loved one has passed away and then you have to wait to get his remains back,” said Fiona. “James was in that morgue for 27 days before we got him back and we just want to look at a load of different aspects of it to make the process more efficient.” Meanwhile, Sean pointed out that the family only found out afterwards that DNA tests can be carried out privately. He said the family would have been happy to pay to have it done if they had known.

“We would have happily done that if we had known it was going to be five weeks,” he said.

“Maybe they’re under pressure and that might be causing delays but whatever the reason something should be done to see if the turnaround times can be reduced,” he added.

Sean also said the family wanted to highlight their story in the hope that it would ensure nobody else goes through the same thing.

He also said it’s likely other families have experienced something similar but the hope is that if changes are made then going forward such scenarios will be less frequent.

‘Crazy stuff’ “It’s crazy stuff; after all that, all we wanted to do was bring him home and give him a respectful burial, and in the end we felt that was taken away as well,” he said.

Sean’s latter point was with reference to what happened during the removal of James’ remains to the parish church in Butlerstown, which added to the heartbreaking grief experienced by the family.

The circumstances surrounding the removal of James’ remains to the church the evening before the funeral – particularly the manner in which they were treated by Fr Ebune – caused great upset to the family.

Fr Ebune was due to oversee the funeral service, as the parish priest was away on holidays at the time.

“First of all he never met the family,” Monica told the Waterford News & Star.

“Usually, the priest would meet the family before the removal and he didn’t,” she added. She said the family were in the funeral home from 3pm to 4.30pm on the day of the removal and James’ remains were removed to the church for a reception at 5.20pm.

“When we arrived at the church gates the priest that was conducting the service met us but he wasn’t dressed as we expected and was wearing a Fila top, jeans and trainers,” said Fiona.

“We found that quite disrespectful to be honest,” she added. The priest also didn’t know James’ name and had to ask someone what his name was.

When James’ remains were brought into the church Fiona was asked to go into the sacristy where the priest told her he would need the family to email him a paragraph about James by 8.30am the following morning.

“That was about 5.30pm that we were told that and then we were told he was leaving,” said Fiona.

“We were expecting the Rosary but he was gone and I went out to tell my family that there wasn’t going to be any prayers and the lady in the sacristy then came out and said the Rosary because she obviously felt obliged to do it,” said Fiona.

When asked if any explanation was given by the priest as to why he had to leave without offering the Rosary, Fiona said: “No, the only thing that was said was that there was a mass in St Paul’s being said at 6pm and that he was going in to that. We think he may have had something previous in the day as well.

“I know there were two people in the sacristy and obviously the conversation between them was that one of them should go out and say the Rosary,” said Fiona.

“They did that and we were very grateful for it because the church was relatively full at that stage and that’s what we expected, that you would have the Rosary there,” she added.

Fiona sent the email as requested and, being aware that the priest hadn’t spoken to the family, she included a paragraph that the family specifically wanted to have read out. She also included what music should be played in addition to information relating to other aspects of the funeral, including what the gifts would be and who the family planned to have perform the readings and Prayers of the Faithful.

Fiona provided information for a eulogy because if the family wasn’t going to get to talk to the priest he wasn’t going to know anything at all about James.

“The next morning, September 17, the lady who had recited the Rosary was there and I asked her if she wanted me to write down what the gifts were so the priest would have them,” said Fiona.

“So I did do that and she put it out on the altar,” she added.

“When he came out to do the mass, the priest offered condolences to the family on behalf of Fr. Pat, who was away, but he never actually offered condolences on behalf of himself,” said Fiona. The gifts were brought to the altar as per the family’s wishes and the offertory procession and Prayers of the Faithful went ahead as normal.

The priest then did the readings but he never read out the paragraph that was prepared by the family and said the “16th of the 8th had been a very difficult day for everyone in the church”.

“That should have been the 19th but we didn’t mind that too much,” said Frances.

Horrific homily However, incredulously and with a remarkable lack of empathy, the priest then suggested on two occasions during his homily that the family could have done more for their brother.

“He said on two occasions that the family could have done more and he also said that Jamie wasn’t sick,” said Monica. James’ passing wasn’t the first time a family member died in tragic circumstances as another brother, Patrick, also died tragically, in 2017, and that was something the priest also brought up in the church.

“He said James wasn’t sick, he wasn’t in an accident and that he took a way out,” said Monica.

“He mentioned our brother Patrick, who also ended his life a few years ago as well, and he mentioned that people die from many reasons but he also said some die because of diseases of the body and others die prematurely through accidents and still others die from a disease of the brain,” she added.

“He said if the body can rot so can the brain.” The priest said the family weren’t in regular contact with him, which Billy said was completely untrue and something that also caused them great upset.

He said the mass offered at the time of Patrick’s passing and James’ requiem mass “couldn’t have been more different”.

“For Patrick’s mass we were offered kindness and compassion and it’s what you would expect and I suppose because this was the second time around for us we were almost hoping to get some comfort from the mass but we got the complete opposite,” said Fiona.

The family are also confused as to how the stand-in priest knew about Patrick’s passing, seeing as he didn’t meet the family before James’ funeral. When asked how the priest’s words made the family feel, Fiona said they were dumbfounded and hurt.

“Two members of the family actually went to get up and say something and they had to be restrained because we couldn’t believe what we were hearing,” she said.

The priest’s words also had a knock-on effect in the cemetery after the service too because, as Monica pointed out, “all the talk in the graveyard was about what the priest said”.

“A lot of people approached us about it as well and people were just in shock,” she said.

“Often people say after funerals ‘that was a lovely send-off’ but not one person has said that to us because it was anything but,” she added.

While the practical aspects of the funeral, such as blessing the coffin, were carried out as normal by the priest, some of his words caused great upset to the family. The undertakers also notified the family that they had received numerous complaints about the priest.

Bishop Alphonsus Cullinan was made aware of what happened and made contact with the family and offered his condolences.

“I asked him if he wanted to know what happened and he said he did and that he was there to listen,” said Fiona. She said Bishop Cullinan said he would get the priest to send the family a letter, which he ultimately did.

In the letter, which was seen by the Waterford News & Star, Fr Ebune “sincerely apologised” for any hurt caused to the family as a result of how the funeral rites were celebrated.

In his letter, Fr Ebune stated: “Accept once again, sincere and hearty condolences following the demise of our beloved brother and friend, James Weldon. My attention was called to the manner in which I celebrated the funeral rites of James Weldon on Sunday, September 17, 2023, at 12 noon. Although the rites of Christian burial are the same in the Catholic Church, the expression of these vary from one culture to the other. Coming therefore from a different culture, I wish to sincerely apologise if the manner of which I conducted the rites upset any member of James’ family.

“Once more, I am deeply sorry and stand to be forgiven. I will continue to pray for the repose of the soul of our brother and friend James Weldon. Eternal rest grant upon him o Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him, may he rest in peace. Amen.” The letter was signed ‘yours sincerely in Christ, Fr Raphael Ebune.” “The letter was headed ‘a note of apology’ and it basically said he was from a different culture,” said Fiona.

The family feel the difference in culture – Fr Ebune is from Cameroon – was the reason used for how the service was carried out but they don’t want any other family to go through what they went through and feel the entire process of priests from different countries standing in for clerics here needs to be looked at to ensure that no other family experiences what they did.

“We put it to them that a very easy fix for this is to not mention how someone died, during a mass,” said Fiona.

“Then you know this couldn’t happen again but the words used during James’ funeral should never be used,” she added.

The family said that training for priests who are here from a foreign culture is something the church should look at too, to ensure that nothing like what happened to them is experienced by any other family. While the family acknowledged that Bishop Cullinan apologised about what happened, their main concern is that measures are taken for it never to happen again to anyone else.

“If someone dies by suicide, as our brother did, why should that funeral not be treated the same as any other funeral, why should it be different”? said Fiona.

Meanwhile, Sean said Fr Ebune’s professionalism in terms of how he conducted himself on the night of the removal left a lot to be desired.

“I think it comes down a lot to training and it’s obvious that some of these visiting priests are not trained in the way things are done in Ireland,” he said.

“Someone wouldn’t go to work in McDonalds without putting a uniform on and when he met us wearing just jeans, runners and a sports top it was just so unprofessional,” he added.

“There is definitely a big gap between teachings or training, or that’s how it seems to us.” While the Weldon’s are still trying to come to terms with the loss of their much-loved brother they are determined to do their best to ensure that no family goes through what they’ve gone through, and if they can do that they feel some good might come out of a heart-breaking situation.