A queer experience in 12 steps: 'Meetings have changed my life'

Hi, my name is [redacted] and I’m an addict.

Although I want to keep my anonymity before you read on you should know a couple of things; I am a trans masc non-binary person from Waterford, and as I mentioned above, I am an addict.

All these aspects of my life often intersect in unexpected and sometimes uncomfortable ways.

Over the past few months I have started attending some 12 step groups such as AA, NA and CA. 

When I first started attending these groups I didn’t really consider how my gender identity and expression would affect my experiences in these spaces. 

I guess because I had been out as trans for almost 8 years and I had designed my life in a way that I am surrounded by other queer people or people who are understanding of my identity I had forgotten that the ‘outside’ world is extremely gendered.

Even though queer people are more likely to experience addiction and substance abuse issues than the general population in my time in these 12 step groups I haven’t met many other out queer people. This has led me to consider the aspects of these programmes that might create barriers for queer people trying to access 12 step supports.

When I think about the barriers that queer people might face in 12 step programmes the first thing that comes to mind is the religiosity of these groups. In AA, NA and CA meetings members are encouraged to connect with a ‘God of their own understanding’ or a higher power. To many people religion can be a touchy subject and in the queer community rates of religious trauma tend to be higher. 

It is completely understandable that queer people might not feel safe in a space that centres religion. For me, before attending these meetings I would have scoffed at the idea of ‘a God of my own understanding’, I’m not religious, I consider myself an atheist and in my experience of these groups, that has been okay. Many people who are long time members still don’t believe in a Christian God, the man with white hair and a beard who sits in the sky looking down on us. 

For a lot of people their higher power has nothing to do with any religion and that’s okay. At the end of meetings there’s often a group reading of the serenity prayer, this can also be off-putting to folks who don’t resonate with Christian teachings, but to me at least it feels like a nice mantra to help ground you and remind you to look inside of yourself for answers. 

For me I’ve been able to search for a higher power outside of religion and see the prayers as grounding mantras, this won’t work for everyone but when the aim is recovery from active addiction anything is worth a try.

Another uncomfortable area for queer folks could be gender specific groups, for me before attending 12 step programmes I hadn’t been in a gender specific grouping in a really long time, maybe even since before I came out as trans. The majority of the meetings for AA, NA and CA in Waterford City are not gender specific. 

However, there are some women’s meetings that I personally as a non-binary person have felt welcomed in. Even though the meetings tend to be mixed gender when I think of gender specific issues in 12 step groups another thing that comes to mind is the “men with men, women with women” idea that some people believe. 

When it comes to sponsors and sponsees, some members insist that gendered lines are not crossed. However, in the official literature this isn’t a hard rule, it seems to be an idea that is parroted by older members stuck in older versions of the literature. For most people it’s most important that you feel completely comfortable with the person regardless of their gender.

As a trans person I can find it difficult to imagine getting a sponsor and working the steps, its difficult to imagine being able to find a person who I would feel comfortable enough to open up to about not only my addiction but honour the ways in which my identity as a queer trans person intersects with my addiction. Working the steps means opening yourself up in a lot of deep, personal and uncomfortable ways and my fear would be that a cisgender person would not understand the ways in which my queer identity actually effects every part of my life.

I’ve only been attending 12 step meetings for about 6 weeks and although I’ve mentioned the ways in which these spaces could be uncomfortable for queer folks. 

I do also think it’s important to mention that over the past number of weeks these meetings have changed my life. 

As an addict I had completely isolated myself, I had put a wall up in all my relationships because if anyone got too close it threatened my addiction but going to these meetings has allowed me to see that there’s a life beyond addiction, and when I’m sitting in a room with so many people who are telling a story that’s so similar to mine, only theirs continues to a place where they don’t need to use and they have a life I can see now is attainable.

I often sit in these meetings and when I look around I am the only queer person there. I think about the fact that queer folks have a higher likelihood of experiencing addiction than the general population and I hope that more queer folks find their way into these meetings and have the kind of experience I have had. The feelings of community, understanding and love could only be improved upon by one thing; more queer people.