Living in the crosshairs of the public gaze

It is no surprise that in the modern world, a world filled with cameras, prying eyes and Instagram stories, the fear of perception is more rife than ever before.

One wrong move and you are suddenly in the proverbial stocks of the digital realm, with peasants of all kingdoms throwing tomatoes at you. 

Not only do you have to concern yourself with how you are perceived by the eyes of the people in front of you, every person now has to contend with the knowledge that any angle of them, at any point in the day, can be projected on a global scale – without a shred of consent involved.

How does one practice confidence, self-assuredness and personal style in a world like that? 

Well, here’s a confession from a diva who spends their days as the human embodiment of a blinking, flashing, neon billboard; it’s hard. 

The context of the physical space you exist within is important, also. Here in Ireland, insult is a sport. 

A culture that prides themselves on “taking the mick” out of people is also a culture that breeds 14 year old boys who feel it is appropriate to scream in public not only the way you should die, but the why and the when, with a healthy cocktail of slurs thrown in. 

It’s not nice to have a complete stranger hurl death threats at you, for something as simple as the fact that you’re wearing a (very chic and ahead of the curve) Pucci print skirt, or a fun makeup look. 

It is disarming, disorientating and unnerving. 

Why would anyone stray from the path of “normal” when that is what awaits you? As they say in Japan, “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.” 

However, with that being said, my need to be me is far more important than my need to appease others. 

Personal style has very little to do with “fashion”. In reality, personal style is an active commune with self-love. It is a ritual, an altar to the self that you decorate. 

Much like a home, you will only decorate it if you truly love it. That is why engaging with one’s own personal style and sense of self is radically important in a society that hammers down nails. 

It may seem vain or frivolous to others, but staring into a mirror to intricately braid your hair, sitting in silence while you carefully paint your toenails, taking the time to iron and press your shirt, these are all moments of commune with the self. 

An opportunity to reflect, to stop and appreciate the privilege of owning a body, the beauty of being a human being. 

It may feel silly or strange in the beginning. It might be unnerving to wear a strange pair of earrings and know everyone is staring. 

The more you visit the temple of self-respect, the easier the journey becomes each time.

You blink and look down and think – “Wow. The me from five years ago would’ve sooner had a heart attack than walk around looking like this”, but here you are. 

You are legally required to dress yourself every morning, why wouldn’t you play around with it? Pushing the envelope, making yourself uncomfortable with your own self-expression, this is a necessary skill. 

It is a transferable skill. If you are capable of feeling the discomfort of self-expression, you are capable of sitting in the discomfort of a job interview, or a solo-travel trip to the other side of the world.

As you delve deeper into your personal style, it becomes a “buckaroo” style game of how much more you can take, how much more different you can become, how much more you can evolve.

There are people in this world that see this as a threat to themselves. They have barricaded their own temple of self-respect and find it upsetting that you did not. 

This is why it is often teenagers who will hurl abuse in public. They are uncomfortable, uncertain and lack a concrete sense of self yet and thus, are unnerved by the sight of a person who is the complete opposite of that.

Many adults have yet to develop this sense of self also and in a similar way, feel unnerved and threatened. But what has that got to do with you?

If enough people presented themselves as their authentic selves, authenticity would be the status quo. It is uncomfortable to be a trailblazer, to take the first step. But if being uncomfortable was a reason to stop, none of us would ever even get out of bed.

On a day that I received several rounds of public abuse, a friend and Waterford drag icon Queenn Marie told me that “they don’t get parasite privilege”. 

What did she mean? 

Well, the people in our society who feel so offended by your authenticity that they need to harass you don’t get the privilege of existing rent free in your mind. They don’t get to be parasites on you. 

It is a skill you have to practice and it requires a council of trusted people to remind you, hence why building a like minded community around you is so important. 

You need to remind yourself that the hatred you may receive has nothing to do with you; but the joy you spread to others by being your true self benefits you and those around you.

So I urge you, dear reader, to take the journey to your temple of self-respect in the morning. Wear that piece of clothing you’ve felt too uncomfortable to wear – you bought it for a reason! 

The next time you put it on, that journey won’t feel so long. Before you know it, you will have people approaching you to tell you how brave you are, when you feel like you’re just wearing your average outfit for the day!